You are checking your mate’s cell phone…
You break into their Facebook account…
You check the house phone to see who has called looking for something…
You smell your mate’s clothing for abnormal fragrances.
You break into their email accounts…
You are recording the phone to see if your mate is talking about you….
Whew!!!! Most would say that you are extremely insecure but some will say that it should NOT be a problem unless your mate has something to hide.
To change any kind of behavior, you must first understand that our decisions and actions are almost ALWAYS driven by the need to meet six human needs. In the case of checking up on your mate, it is done because your emotional NEED for CERTAINTY is Unmet at a high level. Certainty is the first of the six human needs and I will address this today.
We all need to feel a sense of security that things will be okay. Certainty gives us peace of mind and assurance. We also use different behavioral strategies to meet this need. Some are constructive and others are destructive. For example, when you feel stressed, worried, unsure and uncertain, how do you meet your need for certainty?
Some people meet this need by trying to controlling other people (becoming a control freak) constantly making sure they know what their mate is doing, or by losing their temper. Some over-eat, drink too much, and smoke just to meet their need for certainty too. There are also good ways: People pray, use religion and faith, exercising, positive thinking e.g. I will get through this…, or sharing with a friend. All of these are ways to meet the need for certainty.
My question to you: What has to happen for you to feel certain that you can trust your mate? Is it possible that this could EVER happen in your present state of mind? You see, when you are checking your mate’s phone, emails among other things; you are simply testing them to be certain that they are not doing something behind your back.
Today message: What if you were given a test that you could never pass? How would you feel? What if you needed to pass this test to get a better job, get a good mate or to vastly improve your life but the deck was stack against you? How would this affect you? Now think about how you are giving your mate a test that they could never pass because of your constant uncertainty. How do you think they feel?
Again, here is my question: How much is required for you feel certain in your relationship? You must answer this question to have a successful relationship. Think about it! What do you have to say?
One of America’s favorite love mentor and relationship experts, Phil is often referred to as the “Black Dr. Phil”. An author, writer and certified strategic interventionist, marriage educator, and relationship coach . Phil’s work involves taking his clients from where they are to where they want to be in their relationship. Since 2000, Phil has been writing relationship tips for magazines, blogs and other platforms serving over 100,000 members. For more information to go www.philturnerjr.com